Grief. It’s a subject that makes many people tense. People don’t know what to do, they don’t know what to say. We’ve become so accustomed to just saying ‘sorry’ – and moving on. As much as it makes you uncomfortable, it is nothing in comparison to the heartache of losing someone you love. Why has society made death and the grieving process almost taboo? What has the world come to when the people who have lost someone, often become the ones to shield others from the pain they are experiencing?
I was having a conversation with someone recently and we happened to start talking about how she had lost a close member of her family in the last couple of years. And I felt like she started trying to lighten the subject almost immediately by bringing positivity to it. And I am not sure if it was for her benefit or mine. Maybe she needed to say those positive things because it makes it easier for her to talk about. And that is more than okay, because it is better to talk about it, than to keep it inside us.
But I also wonder whether she was doing it for my benefit. Because death makes people uncomfortable. People often don’t know what to say. Things can get awkward. And having lost my mum four years ago, I experienced it myself. Down to feeling like people actually avoided talking to you. I wish it wasn’t like that, but it is.
So those grieving tend to cushion their feelings and emotions to make the people around them more comfortable, to ease the discomfort that THEY might be feeling. Saying things like, at least they aren’t in pain anymore… or, they didn’t feel any pain… or, they were living such a great life… or, even worse, those comments come from the person trying to comfort you.
But I am here to say, there is no amount of cushioning that makes it easier. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, try to put a positive side to someone who is grieving. THERE ISN’T ONE.
It's okay for people to talk about losing someone. To FEEL it. Even long after the person is gone. It never goes away. Let them talk. Let them grieve. Let them say what they want. Listen to their words (if they have any), just be there. Sit with them in silence. Hug them while they cry. No positive spins. Just the uncomfortable reality of death and the pure heartache that goes with it.
Sometimes the grieving just need acknowledgement… Life is shit sometimes. It’s fucked. It’s unfair. It hurts. And that’s okay.
Here’s a piece by Megan Devine that really resonated with me.
From ‘It’s OK that You’re Not OK; Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn’t Understand’
Here’s what I most want you to know: this really is as bad as you think.
No matter what anyone else says, this sucks.
What has happened cannot be made right.
What is lost cannot be restored. There is no beauty here, inside this central fact.
Acknowledgment is everything.
You’re in pain. It can’t be made better.
The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can’t be cheered out of.
You don’t need solutions. You don’t need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hand while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life.
Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.